Release

Tonight I release a little bit more. A little more pain, a little more hurt, and gain a little more courage and a little more self worth. Its been a long journey and I pour out a little more of my soul with the help of my computer to continue my journey in healing. Tonight I watched again, the movie “I Can Only Imagine”. Fabulous movie and the song is probably my favorite all time song. If you haven’t seen it, or heard the song, you need to.

This true story of pain and courage from an abusive home and the hope from its story’s journey has been a huge inspiration to me to remind me there is life after abuse. There is hope after abuse. And there are dreams after abuse.

While I did not come from a physically abusive home towards me when growing up, there were the occasional drunken brawls of abuse between my parents. And what so many do not understand is that there are many forms of abuse other than physical and all of them are detrimental to children of the home.

Colossians 3 reminds us of correct rules for Christian homes reminding parents that they are to love each other as Christ loves them and to not discourage and embitter the children. When children become discouraged from abuse in the home, it sets a standard for their understanding and let me just tell you – No one…No one…and I say it again…No one should be allowed to harm another person with physical action or with words, whether they are family, friend or a total stranger.

Because a lot of times it creates a cycle and it takes a lot of courage and effort to break that cycle. I was not strong enough to do that. Off and on for twenty years I stayed in an abusive marriage. It took two divorces from the same man for me to finally break free of this pattern. And it took another ten for me to gain strength and courage to survive on my own, with three children. Then it took another ten for me to find a new life of courage and self worth with new dreams. Life is hard and I don’t know how anyone can survive this life without Jesus Christ, its hard enough for those of us who do follow him.

My revisited dream of being a writer is actually coming to the front. Will I be a best seller, no, but my second book is in process of being printed and I am hoping it will be out in October. It is a sequel of my first book…about dogs. God instills in us survival techniques that sometimes can come out in various art forms. Some people turn to music, some to painting but I turned to writing. Dogs were a big part of my survival so I turned them into people and wrote about them. It was fun and encouraging for me as I still fight with self worth. When you are told for many years how worthless you are, it takes a while to flush that all down the toilet. I am enclosing one of the first poems I ever place of WordPress. I was inspired by a fellow blogger’s photo and it shows how even now I struggle with self worth in Christ knowing full well to him I am precious. Never forget how much God loves you and that he always has a plan for you. Grab hold of his hand and hang on.

The Climb

I see and maintain it still is not fair,

I have nothing to lay at the top of the stair.

It’s not my fault, I did nothing wrong,

Well, maybe I did, it’s just been so long.

How long has it been since I climbed to the top,

I remember its relief, why did I stop?

How can a symbol of such astounding grief,

Be given to us to bring us this relief?

With love so amazing, to the cross did He die,

To flood us with gratitude that still makes us cry.

The burdens we carry don’t always seem fair,

Always we can lay them at the top of the stair.

The first step looks brittle, can it carry my weight?

This burden is heavy and may seal my fate.

As I touch each step and climb ever higher,

Is this what I should do, is this really my desire?

As I clear the last step, the cross is before me,

I question my worth, did He also die for me?

As my knees get bent, I’m smothered by His grace,

And I lay all my burdens at the accepting cross base.

Anita Neal

Probably the reason I push kindness like I do is because I fully understand its benefits, it value and how easily it can spread. besides it is one of the fruits of the spirit. So I remind you as always the utmost value of kindness. Please be kind.

Tuesday Writing Prompt, 8/11

fight

Anger

You tried to ruin me, but I was not able to see

The fear you carried and tried to shove on me

I tried to help you but ended up getting hurt

You threw me to the ground while ripping my shirt.

I had enough pain and went away on my own

In hoped you would see life is no fun being alone

But this made you madder, for me to finally breathe

A feeling you hated, deepening you anger to seethe

You tried to ruin me, but I am now able to see

That being without you I can finally be free.

Anita Neal

Devereaux Frazier and Beth Amanda are currently hosting the Tuesday Writing Prompt Challenge which was started by our star writer Christine Ray. We hope to offer all of you something that will spark your creativity and willingness to participate.

Today’s prompt: Finish the phrase “You tried to ruin me, but I…”

Come Join in and share in this challenge. And as you go through this day, remember the beauty and grace of kindness. Its the virtue that can make and bad situation tolerable.

kindness1

Analyzing the Past #3, Final Chapter

Is there ever really a final chapter? Probably not but there is a moment of closure of old before going to new. And this is the hard one for me to post but the one I have been working towards for approximately…10 years give or take. But it has been the last two years that I knew what I needed to do and have been trying to get it done but it has been very hard…Forgiveness.

All the way back into in Genesis 50:17, scripture tells us the importance of forgiving those who treat you badly. All through the bible forgiveness is talked about : Exodus, Numbers, Nehemiah, multiples in Psalms, Daniel and Micah and that’s just the old testament. Then there is Matthew 18:21-22 where Jesus tells us to forgive 70 times 7. That’s a lot of forgiving. But why??? Colossians 3:13 tells us why – Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

If you have read my series on Analyzing the Past #1 & #2 you will probably understand where I am going with this. My mother had drinking issues and I did not learn the lessons from her on how to correctly chose a mate and I chose poorly. I choose someone who had just as much garbage in his closet as I did and due to his mother’s issues he was an abusive man. He didn’t mean to be and hours before his death we were able to resolve most of our issues. He was physically abusive to me but verbally abusive to the children. When he got sick, a combination of diabetes and heart disease, the children were also able to get resolution for his treatment of there past but the damage is still there.

So with the help of professional counseling, strong christian friends, prayer and the love of Jesus I was able to forgive my mother and my husband for bad treatment of me. So about 2 years ago, I realized I was still angry but could not figure our why. I was notorious for going back by the cross where I had laid things at Jesus feet that I could not handle and try to pick them up again. I don’t think I am alone there. A lot of us are fix it people and sometimes you just have to Let Go and Let God. For this issue I didn’t think I was picking up and throwing away the forgiveness I had bestowed on my mother and husband but there was still a deep resentment gnawing inside me an d I did not know where it was coming from.

Last year we got a new pastor and after several months he started a new study series on forgiveness. During that series it dawned on me that I still had someone I had not forgiven and I was not sure I ever could. Lots of hurt, lots of resentment still on the table. When someone does you wrong you can find ways to reconcile that and come to forgiveness. BUT, as a mother and having someone who through their caustic behaviors and down right selfishness caused pain for her children, the woman’s grandchildren – that is hard to forgive. Even in her will after she died, my husbands mother struck out against at my children. And now I find it hard not to scream HOW DARE YOU? And this woman was a pillar in her church. Wow.

So this is the last leg of my journey of forgiveness for my resentment of my past. I feel n o resentment issues and think I have her fully forgiven until I run across a person that reflects that same attitude and I have to guard myself, or my tongue as it were, so that I don’t make things worse. Then I have some deep prayer time to do to get me back on the even plane God needs me on. But its hard.

No one, no one, no one ever has the right to be mean to another person whether is physically, verbally or emotionally. And when you face this type of situation you have to be strong, dig deep and Let go and Let God. He will take care of it, he is the final judge, not us. A hard pill to swallow sometimes.

So now you may understand why I am such an advocate of kindness. Did you know that it takes more muscles in your face to create a frown and it does to make a smile. I think that is God’s way of telling us to smile more, its less work.

And as I always say, Be kind. Today’s kind thought may not save the world but it may save the world of that one person.

Enjoy you weekend. Its going to be a wet one for us. But we are smiling, no more 90 degree days for a while.